A small town in Connecticut is doing what we should have done a long time ago: destroying violent video games. Southington, Connecticut will no longer be known for once having a button factory; from here on out, the legacy left behind by the town with the least imaginative flag of all time will be that of rational thought, foresight, and no longer having too many gift cards lying around.
On January twelfth, Southington SOS will host the modern day equivalent of a book burning. The first ever Disc Snapping® consists of three steps: give them a violent video game, watch them snap it, and receive a gift card for twenty five dollars. I can’t think of anything better. Save the world and get a gift card that can be used at a local water park in winter when water parks are closed; it’s the perfect system.
Before any smart asses out there jump to the comments section to proclaim “this will solve nothing” or “don’t we hate dictators that do this” or “this is actually one of the dumbest things ever,” allow me to explain why it’s brilliant. First off: “this will solve nothing?” Absolutely false. There are 40,000 people who live in Southington. To put that in perspective: Black Ops 2 has sold twenty million copies and Halo 4 has sold seven million copies. Now, I’m not very good at math, but it’s obvious that the local population of Southington would cause a big enough dent to seriously hinder the further production of violent games.
Now, the second defense: “we hate dictators that do this.” Well, that is true; however, there is the phrase “necessary evil” for a reason. Squashing freedom of speech is wrong, but when it saves lives it’s forgivable. It is scientifically proven that video games cause violent behavior. Just now, I ran a test on my cat. I held her in place and taped her eyes open. In front of her, I played Far Cry 3. What happened? The cat bit me, before I even got past the loading screen. If the loading screen of a game is enough to cause a rise in people, I’m afraid to see what happens during the actual gameplay.
While many people might claim that the primitive brain of an animal is less capable of rational thought and understanding the difference between media and real life, I implore you to think again. Also, don’t think about all of the people that play Manhunt, Postal, and Grand Theft Auto without killing people in real life, but in fact go on to live normal and healthy lives. Seriously, don’t. It ruins my point. Instead, think about how I got held back in first grade because of what I did to the class’ pet turtle after playing Super Mario Bros. I am a rational, level headed individual. If someone like me is driven to such primal rage from a “family friendly” game, imagine what would have happened if I had been playing Modern Warfare and gotten a hold of the class’ pet Middle Eastern Stereotype.
Come January twelfth, when all of violent video games, movies, and music has been destroyed, I want to be able to say that I did my part in saving humanity. I want to be able to look back and remember the good times I had destroying a game that lots of people spent hours upon hours every day creating. I’ll be the first in line. In fact, allow me to get the ball rolling.
That game taught me some rough lessons about beating up hippos and Octopi. I don’t want to risk getting in trouble at the zoo again or being responsible for a child getting into a fistfight over clams. SouthingtonSOS, go ahead and send me twenty five dollars in the mail. There’s an email address listed below, so we can work this out. (And no, there is absolutely no way I broke a two dollar game I played to laugh at to extort money from you. That would be rude.) Come the twelfth, I hope to see all the readers of The Gamescouts at Southington with games in hand. We can get rid of a piece of entertainment in exchange for accomplishing nothing. I mean, everything.
Article by Chris Lohr
Chris Lohr is a freelance writer currently in film school. If you’re looking for him to write for your website, manifesto, or Russian bride catalogue, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Put today’s date as the subject line and include a picture of yourself. Must be DDD free and willing to host. All Articles by Chris.