A small town in Connecticut is doing what we should have done a
long time ago: destroying violent video games. Southington, Connecticut will no
longer be known for once having a button factory; from here on out, the legacy
left behind by the town with the least imaginative flag of all time will be
that of rational thought, foresight, and no longer having too many gift cards
lying around.
On January twelfth, Southington SOS will host the modern day
equivalent of a book burning. The first ever Disc Snapping® consists of three steps: give
them a violent video game, watch them snap it, and receive a gift card for
twenty five dollars. I can’t think of anything better. Save the world and get a
gift card that can be used at a local water park in winter when water parks are
closed; it’s the perfect system.
Before any smart asses out there jump to the comments section to
proclaim “this will solve nothing” or “don’t we hate dictators that do this” or
“this is actually one of the dumbest things ever,” allow me to explain why it’s
brilliant. First off: “this will solve nothing?” Absolutely false. There are
40,000 people who live in Southington. To put that in perspective: Black Ops 2
has sold twenty million copies and Halo 4 has sold seven million copies. Now,
I’m not very good at math, but it’s obvious that the local population of
Southington would cause a big enough dent to seriously hinder the further
production of violent games.
Now, the second defense: “we hate dictators that do this.” Well,
that is true; however, there is the phrase “necessary evil” for a reason.
Squashing freedom of speech is wrong, but when it saves lives it’s forgivable.
It is scientifically proven that video games cause violent behavior. Just now,
I ran a test on my cat. I held her in place and taped her eyes open. In front
of her, I played Far Cry 3. What happened? The cat bit me, before I even got
past the loading screen. If the loading screen of a game is enough to cause a
rise in people, I’m afraid to see what happens during the actual gameplay.
While many people might claim that the primitive brain of an
animal is less capable of rational thought and understanding the difference
between media and real life, I implore you to think again. Also, don’t think
about all of the people that play Manhunt, Postal, and Grand Theft Auto without
killing people in real life, but in fact go on to live normal and healthy
lives. Seriously, don’t. It ruins my point. Instead, think about how I got held
back in first grade because of what I did to the class’ pet turtle after
playing Super Mario Bros. I am a rational, level headed individual. If someone
like me is driven to such primal rage from a “family friendly” game, imagine
what would have happened if I had been playing Modern Warfare and gotten a hold
of the class’ pet Middle Eastern Stereotype.
Come January twelfth, when all of violent video games, movies,
and music has been destroyed, I want to be able to say that I did my part in
saving humanity. I want to be able to look back and remember the good times I
had destroying a game that lots of people spent hours upon hours every day
creating. I’ll be the first in line. In fact, allow me to get the ball rolling.
That game taught me some rough lessons about beating up hippos
and Octopi. I don’t want to risk getting in trouble at the zoo again or being
responsible for a child getting into a fistfight over clams. SouthingtonSOS, go
ahead and send me twenty five dollars in the mail. There’s an email address
listed below, so we can work this out. (And no, there is absolutely no way I
broke a two dollar game I played to laugh at to extort money from you. That
would be rude.) Come the twelfth, I hope to see all the readers of The
Gamescouts at Southington with games in hand. We can get rid of a piece of
entertainment in exchange for accomplishing nothing. I mean, everything.
Article by Chris Lohr
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Chris Lohr is a freelance writer currently in film school. If you’re
looking for him to write for your website, manifesto, or Russian bride
catalogue, send an email to puddinginasock@gmail.com. Put today’s
date as the subject line and include a picture of yourself. Must be DDD free
and willing to host. All Articles by Chris.
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