No. Ten
Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Turning an Adult Swim TV show
into a video game is neither an easy thing to do or a good idea. Harvey Birdman
is evidence of that, mostly because it’s barely a game. This game is just an
episode of the TV show where players occasionally choose one of three options.
Unlike a Telltale game, these options make no difference to the story. There is
only one correct option; choosing the other two leads to Harvey saying
something about how it’s wrong and you try again.
As it is essentially a somewhat
interactive episode of the show, Harvey Birdman may be at least entertaining
for fans of the show. As someone who does not like the show, this game was
nothing but painful for me. The humor did nothing to distract from the lack of
gameplay. Here’s how a segment of gameplay works: watch a three minute bit,
pick something, watch a three minute bit. Repeat. Even L.A. Noire, the game
that is impossible to lose, was more of a challenge than this, and, even though
the repercussions are scripted and don’t affect the overall story, choosing the
wrong answer was more detrimental than it is here.
No. Nine
G-Force
The film about Guinea Pig spies
has a 21% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Letting this modern classic go without a
video game tie in would have been a disgrace. Making the game anything other
than a tie in with no value would be even worse. The lackluster sales reflect
that this is exactly what it was.
The plot of both the film and
video game is an evil billionaire is taking over the world by turning all electronics with computers in them into sentient, evil beings. What this
means is that every level of the game revolves around fighting waffle irons.
The occasional blender or paper shredder pops up, but waffle irons are the real
danger here.
There are two key ways to take
out the various kitchenware coming at you: ranged and melee. The guns are more
powerful, but the aiming system is painful due to the motion of the Wii Mote
being picked up too sensitively. Melee is your best bet as it works
consistently. The problem is it is weak and close ranged. Not to worry, if it
comes to it, there is a dodge system that is incredibly faulty and will get you
killed.
No. Eight
Jeep Thrills
It’s finally here. The Jeep only
racing game, sponsored by Jeep. It’s everything we’ve been waiting for: a wide
selection of cars that all feel the same, lackluster environments, and piss
poor controls. To say this is the definitive Jeep driving experience on the Wii
would be an understatement, were Jeep known for making cars that are
indestructible and are capable of flipping over at a moment’s notice.
Finishing a race in Jeep Thrills
is an accomplishment. Not because the AI will leave you in the dust or because
the maps are treacherous, it’s because the controls are the worst ever for a
racing game: one button for gas, one for brake/reverse, and five for boost.
Tilting the Wii Mote steers the Jeep, which sounds like a good idea in theory,
leads to more crashes than one could expect. Thrills is terrible at registering
the movements of the controller. The only option for steering is over
correcting.
Most of the maps have a few
different routes to take, and if these maps looked good it might have been
worth playing. The problem with the multiple routes is the AI. As with many
racing games, after finishing a race, stats pop up telling you about who was
which position. Behind that, the AI keeps racing along. On some tracks, if you
angle it right, the AI is forced down an alternate path. This breaks the AI. Only
one path was programmed into these cars, and being on a new one scares it. The
AI Jeeps will attempt to drive up walls and through lakes to avoid being on
these tracks. It will never occur to these cars to drive forwards or backwards
to a fork in the road. These Jeeps will try and drive up a wall forever. It’s a
shame the steering and AI are so poor, as this could have gone down as a
mediocre racing game.
No. Seven
Rubik’s World
“Have you ever wondered what the
inside of a Rubik’s Cube looks like?” This is the less than thought provoking
question raised on the box for Rubik’s World. The answer is either “a city
inhabited by ‘cubies’” or “a father about to beat his child for breaking his
Rubik’s Cube,” depending on if you ask a marketer for Rubik’s World or an angry
father in the 80’s. The “cubies” that inhabit the inside of a Rubik’s Cube are
colored cubes, and, boy, do they know how to party.
Venturing into Rubik’s World will
give you a whole bunch of puzzles to solve, all of which involve moving cubes.
Some of the puzzles require stacking and some require turning, but none of them
are enjoyable. The different puzzles have three difficulties: easy, medium, and
hard. The easy level is insultingly simple, and the medium difficulty is
challenging enough to ensure the Wii Mote will fly out of your hand and through
your TV.
Putting aside the awful puzzles
and the fact that this is not what the inside of Rubik’s Cube looks like,
Rubik’s World has one bright spot: the “create” section. Apparently, the “cubies”
have never been outside and are curious as to what things are. By building
different shapes, you teach them all what clouds and trees look like. Back in
the city, the trees you created line the streets, and the clouds you designed
float in the sky. If you’re as immature as I am, penises will be prominent
throughout the remainder of this child-friendly game.
No. Six
Guinness World Records: The Video Game
While playing a game based off a
book that lists things to make you feel unaccomplished, lots of thoughts rushed
through my mind. The main one was “why does this game exist?” It was a very
pressing matter as I sat there waving the Wii Motes like a turtle on its back.
Guinness World Records consists of mini games ranging from bad to soul
crushingly awful.
The plot of the game is your
character is trying to break all the records in the book. All of them. By the
way, the character is around fifteen years old, judging from his or her
appearance. Having this adolescent get the record for most tattoos felt a little
strange; however, the tattooing mini game, which involved waving the Wii Motes
at the screen until a tattoo was colored in, was one of the highlights. I use
“highlight” loosely, mind you. The highlight of Guinness World Records is still
the video game equivalent of breaking off a toe nail.
Guinness does manage to succeed
where most games do not. Most video games don’t second as therapy. Yet, while
trying to break the record for world’s longest finger nails (done by tracing a
looping line and having your character’s nails follow the same path), I was
forced to think about all the mistakes I made that lead me to that moment.
No. Five
Tamagotchi: Party On!
As with many people, I assumed
Tamagotchis died many years ago. Much to my surprise, there have been fifteen
Tamagotchi video games released, mostly in Japan. The egg shaped virtual pet
was a much bigger phenomenon than I remember apparently. There was only one
Tamagotchi game released on the Wii, as opposed to the seven that have been
released on the DS.
For the Wii debut of this cheap
toy, Party On! could not have been more of a disappointment. Well,
disappointing for people that expected something good out of a Mario Party rip
off starring keychains. Party On! is exactly what everyone else expected. There
are many similarities between this and Mario Party (board game, play with three
friends, the winner is never decided due to skill); however, the key difference
is that Mario Party manages to offer some fun for the people playing by having
mini games where everyone joins in. The mini games of Party On! are played solo
and offer the exact opposite of fun. This game managed to ruin my favorite
hobby of jumping on a trampoline and throwing acorns at squirrels (an actual
mini game).
Most people don’t play party
games for the enjoyment or sense of camaraderie amongst their friends; they
play party games for the plot. Unfortunately, Party On! has an awful, confusing
plot. The Tamagotchis are running for president of...something. The winner of
the election is decided by who has the most popularity, which is handed out
randomly. There are multiple elections per game, and whoever is elected
president the most wins the election and is elected president. An election
happens about once ever half hour. Players can decide how many elections there
are per game, and this number can go up to fifty. For the hard of math, that
means the game would last twenty five hours. Over a day of electing key chains
to public office and throwing acorns at squirrels.
No. Four
Puppy Luv
There are plenty of virtual pet
games on the market. None are full blown puppy simulators like Puppy Luv. Also,
none are as boring as Puppy Luv. Puppy Luv is all the fun of having a real
puppy, but instead of feeling your puppy cuddle with you and lick you, you get
a soulless abomination that only stares and never dies.
Pupply Luv offers few ways to
play: feeding, training, and playing are all of them. You can take the dog on
walks and enter in competitions. The walks are just a badly done movie of a dog
skipping and peeing, so that doesn’t really count as playing. The competitions
are the exact same as playing and training, just in a different environment. To
play with the puppy, use the Wii Mote to give a few commands, such as roll
over, sit, and give me my money back for this stupid game. The best approach
for any of these is reading the instructions given to you by the game, waving
your arms in the proper motion, and then yelling at the game to work.
If your patience is strong enough
to stay with the game long enough to have your puppy perform a trick, the narrator will jut in with some
great reinforcement for the dog. These phrases are truly heart warming and
include “such a cool puppy” and “you’re such a clever puppy.” Wether the
ability to roll on the ground deems someone clever or cool has yet to be
decided, but this puppy can do that and more.
No. Three
The Naked Brothers Band The Video Game
Someone, somewhere thought that
this Nickelodeon show needed a tie in. Someone else realized parents would
spend lots of money buying this game for their children. Further down the line,
a game designer saw Guitar Hero was popular and decided to ride its coattails
as much as possible. The end result is a fine piece of shovelware that doesn’t
resemble a rhythm game or The Naked Brothers Band.
Full disclosure: I have never
seen an episode of The Naked Brothers Band. While it may be bold to claim a
game doesn’t resemble its source material without having seen the source
material, I have a feeling most anyone would agree with me. For instance, the
TV show probably has people move and speak. In the game, the characters pick a
pose to stay in and a blurb of text tells us what they are saying. This is made
almost more unnerving since the characters sway as if they are people
attempting to hold a ridiculous pose but can’t do it. The swaying, plus the
background moving behind the characters, enforces the idea that at some point
in time, these characters were meant to move, but the developers found out that
meant work.
But, come on, who’s playing this
rhythm game for the cut scenes? The songs are the main appeal. To fans of Rock
Band and Guitar Hero, this bastardization of the genre will only remind players
of what their lives could have been. Unlike most rhythm games, if one makes a
mistake, the song doesn’t falter. In fact, let’s say you’re singing. If you sit
there doing nothing and simply watch all the notes go by, the song plays fine,
and the crowd keeps on dancing. The Naked Brothers Band teaches children they can
coast through life and still be told they’re great.
No. Two
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Why is the only word that comes
to mind when playing a game based off of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The
Squeakquel. This is mostly asked in regards to this game’s existence, but works
quite well with every aspect of the game. For instance, why would a game about
singing chipmunks have none of their mouths move? Or, why don’t they blink? Or,
why did I spend so much time playing this game?
Gameplay in Squeakquel consists
of singing songs as the chipmunks on stage during their world tour. All of
their hit songs are there, none of which I had heard before or know the name
of. In order to sing these songs, you shake the Wii Mote and Nunchucks for
different notes. There is no skill involved: constantly shaking the controller
works well enough. Each chipmunk has a special, solo bit with a different way
to play. The blue chipmunk requires moving the Wii Mote up and down, while the
green chipmunk requires moving the Wii Mote left and right.
After playing an amount of time
of Squeakquel that, according to the Geneva Convention, counts as torture, I
have no idea if you control the singing or the dancing of the chipmunks. The
box says you sing with the chipmunks, and the tutorial teaches you how to hit
different notes. However, if none of the notes are hit, the singing continues
and doesn’t falter. Instead, the dancing begins to fail. The chipmunks start
acting drunk: swaying, moving erratically, and falling over. Once they have
fully fallen over, the singing still keeps going.
No. One
Build-A-Bear Workshop: A Friend Fur All Seasons
It’s almost Christmas. Your child
loves stuffed animals and goes apeshit for Build-A-Bear, but you can’t afford
another visit to the workshop. There’s only one solution: get this game for a
few bucks, wrap it up, and give your child a letter from “Santa” about
everything bad they did this year. It’s your only hope in saving money and
reminding your child that if they don’t shape up, it’s the gulag next year.
This subtle reminder will
definitely work as Build-A-Bear: Friend Fur is the worst game I’ve ever played.
That’s not an exaggeration. After booting up the game, the first thing greeting
players are two talking stuffed animals, only their mouths don’t move. They
look like cardboard cutouts, and their eyes are completely dead. Next, you
build your character, choosing from a bunny, bear, or dog. Give the character
an animal sound to go with it to finish up the customization. There’s one problem,
though: there are no bunny, bear, or dog sounds. I gave my bunny a cat howling
in pain. Really, this is the same sound I hear when I break my cat’s legs.
Once your character is created,
it’s adventure time. This adventure consists of sailing on the FriendShip and
trying to live through a barrage of bear puns given by your friends Bearemy and
Pawlette. The goal of the game is to travel to the Build-A-Bear Castle and
attend a party. There are a few stops along the way, and you have to find the
pieces of the map to get there. One troubling lesson children pick up from this
game is that it’s OK to leave dock with a torn map, so be careful and fully
explain to your child maritime safety when playing this game.
There are bears to meet and games
to play. The games are mostly “shake the Wii Mote up and down” or “shake the
Wii Mote side to side.” The bears that give out these games look like card
board cut outs covered in cheap felt. Not to worry, the animations in this game
are even worse; walking looks like a drunkard riddled with polio attempting to
moonwalk. It might be too critical to call a children’s game out on poor
graphics and animations, but the developers should be reminded of the
half-assed job they did.
Article by Chris Lohr
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Chris Lohr is a freelance writer currently in film school. If you’re
looking for him to write for your website, manifesto, or Russian bride
catalogue, send an email to puddinginasock@gmail.com. Put today’s
date as the subject line and include a picture of yourself. Must be DDD free
and willing to host. All Articles by Chris.
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1 comments:
LOL this was great!
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